Fuck you mind

I'm not quite sure why, but I like to torment myself. I like to make myself feel terrible. I'll always read things that upset me, or look at things that upset me. But why? I still have no idea why I do it, and I would love to understand what drives me to do this. I mean, maybe I do it because I'm showing myself that even though it hurts, it wont kill me. Maybe because I like to remind myself that even though I'm in a good place now, something can go wrong. Something can happen to destroy me again. I just don't understand though.. and it's beginning to bother me. I don't like how it makes me feel, infact I hate this feeling. My anxiety acts up a lot when I feel this way, and to add to that my mind wanders and thinks about other things that could upset me more. Like what the fuck I just don't get it. (just a side note, this isn't about anyone, it's about myself mostly).

Thinking about it now maybe it's just another way to hurt myself, like the cutting only mentally not physically. But it doesn't make me feel the same way at all. Cutting makes me feel even worse at first, then really good, then neutral. This just makes me feel AWFUL. Flat out awful, and it doesn't go away unless I forget about it, which won't happen unless I find something to distract myself with or go to sleep. And with insomnia sleep isn't always an option I can choose, as much as I wish it was. I would love to be sleeping right now. You have NO idea. It's almost 4am, and I'm soo tired, although still I cannot sleep. It's frustrating as fuck.

Anyway onto something less depressing.. I realized that since cutting my own hair, I can now have it unstraighened and still be half pleased with it. It doesn't go uncontrolably curly, which is awesome because I hate when it goes beast like that. Makes me so mad xD Also a little birdy told me I'm getting a pink straightner for christmas, because I don't like using my moms because she sometimes makes a big deal about me using it. (I know right? stupid).

~ Sascha