It's been so long..

I never really get a chance to blog anymore, mainly due to lack of interest but I decided I could use blogging like an outlet, even if no one is there to read it, I'll have posted it and it'll be something to me. I guess you could even consider it like an online diary visable for the world? A way for everyone to see inside without actually seeing it. *shrugs*

Anyway I suppose I should start off by talking a bit about myself. First of all I know I should inform everyone that I'm flawed and imperfect. Who isn't? Sometimes I feel like I'm worse than others for it though. I think it's why I allow myself to feel the way I do sometimes, you know, depressed. I hate that word though. It's thrown around so much now that anyone can say 'I'm depressed' and it be taken literally. Well. literally to what the word now seems to mean. For me words are powerful. An example would be love. Love is a very powerful word, but to my understanding there are different types of love. There is a love for your family, a love for your friends and of course a love for a significant other. There are more I'm sure but those are the main ones that come to mind.

My point is that when I say I'm depressed, I mean I suffer from depression. It's something I wish wasn't apart of me, but it is. It's terrible, and had only gotten worse over the past year. It got to the point where I had to be hopsitalized because it had led me down a dark path of cutting and selfdestruction. That's also another thing I am certainly not proud of; the cutting. After getting into a bad relationship, my depression only got worse, and I began cutting to ease my pain. Now I have these ugly scars on my arm and body to remind me of how low I'd brought myself. I pretty much got to the point where I couldnt get any lower, and I just started to rebuild myself.

But now I can gladly say I'm in a much better place. I've still got things to work on sure, but I am much much better. I have family and friends to thank for that. And of course a wonderful girlfriend who saw me through everything I just mentioned. It's interesting to think that whilst I was in the unhealthy relationship before she was one of the people I went to for help. And now she's my lover. Funny isn't it how the person I really needed was there all along? <3 I'm lucky as hell to have her.

So there you have it. I haven't opened up like that on my youtube channel. I was meaning to but I always fear I'll get to emotional and I'll explain something wrong or leave something important out and look like an idiot/bitch/psycho. Eventually I'll get around to trying to do it. It'll be hard but maybe it'll be something I won't regret.

~ Sascha