My friend came on msn and told me that when you cut deeper it really brings things into perspective. Those aren't her exact words, but thats what I had said to her because from my expereince, I had to nearly kill myself before I realized I was better than cutting. Anyway, it always bothers me when people bring up cutting because obviously its painful memories to me. I hated that time, and really try to avoid thinking about it. But this friend liked to share with me, for god knows what reason, and so I tired to stay cool and just replied with one word answers to give her the hint that, I didn't want to hear about it.
Obviously, she didn't get the hint and I got pissed off because.. I'm not entirly sure. I think it was really just me snapping because I had been with her in the hospital and honestly I'm not all impressed with how she talks about cutting and depression. Yes, depression is horrible, I know that I have it too. Cutting is also, horrible I understand that. But you can't let those things TAKE YOU OVER. You can't possibly say you're trying to help yourself when you show me your cuts, dont really show any regret for them... like I DONT UNDERSTAND how you can say you're helping yourself, when you act like you don't take it seriously until I offend you by saying, "I don't blame your mom for getting bitchy with you."
My mom for instance, lost her shit whenever she knew I was cutting. She would scream at me, and yell at me and all that, but it's because it pushed her. It (i'm just assuming this) stressed her out, because she couldn't do anything. I know what it feels like to know someones hurting themselves and not having any power to stop it. ITS THE WORSR FUCKING FEELING IN THE WORLD. And it's not just this friend, I know several other people who cut. I know cutting is addictive. I still want to cut, so much. But I DONT because I dont want to hurt the people around me.
Forgive me if I'm wrong, but wouldn't killing yourself be a selfish thing? Imagine you're mother died. Or your father. Or someone very close to you. You'd be crushed, horrified and probably have a hard time coping. Natural death is one thing, because you know normally, you know when someone is slipping, and you have time to spend with them and appriciate what you have. And when they're gone of course it's going to hurt. But when you loose someone because they kill themself, you're never going to have that last moment with them, that moment where you tell them how much you care or how much you love them. Plus, to kill yourself at such a young age, your whole life is gone. Your parents can't watch you start a family, can't watch you go through life. You'd make your parents lose a daughter/son, a brother or sister lose a sibling, your friends to lose a precious friend. And why? Because you were selfish enough to give up on yourself, and not try to conqure whatever problems you're dealing with.
So please, go ahead and tell me why killing yourself is a good option. Tell me what justifies killing yourself.
But what really pisses me off, is when people tell me, "You got through it fine". You don't know what I went through, and I never assume I know what somsone else has gone through. That's just fucking offensive. Who am I to fucking say, "I know what you've gone through"? I have no place to say that, so when people say that to me thats when I lose it and just tell them to shut the fuck up. I didn't get through it fine. I stil have scars, I still have horrible memories. I still have wrongs that I'll never forgive. The important thing is that I didn't give up, and hopefully I never will because I am not putting my loved ones through hell because I wanna go out the easy way.
And yes. This is a harsh way of putting things. But you know what? Some peolpe are so comfortable with selfharm that they NEED a kick in the ass to show them what the fuck is really going on. And you can hate me, because I know you're pissed, but at least I cared enough to be fucking straight up with you.
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